Sit Down, Mister!
"I think YOU are out of order!"
City Council, June 1, 2026
Linguistic Banana Peels on the Road to a Bright and Beautiful Future:
Mayor Scott Sessions: “I was gunna have Councilman—I mean Representative—Wortz here, but I don’t see her, so…Item A is the library-sss, uh, summary, summer, oh, gosh dang it! B, is uh, 2026 Independent Day Resignations1, Resigtrations, Resign—uh, God, I can’t speak today, Reservations…”
Public Comment
Mayor Scott Sessions reaffirmed his commitment to the time-honored American principle of MAD—“McVicker Assured Destruction”—if anyone should fail to utter his or her name and address for the public record. Though such details are clearly not required by law, perhaps they are necessary for future Penny Swan-Scott Sessions Black Ops Surveillance Missions?2
As soon as the podium was opened…
The Recitation of the Name Controversy, Part III
Unnamed assailant: “Hello again.”
Leviathan, Scott Sessions: “Yes, uh, you need to state your full name."
Assailant: “So you’re gonna do this before you change the rule?”
Scott, voice quaking with emotion, despite merely reading the statement which he had prepared: “As a person must be identified to speak, therefore I am requiring that person to state their full name and address…”
“That’s what the new rule would say, if it passes tonight. So you’re gonna operate off the new rule and not the—”
Scott: “This is my interpretation of the rule. The presiding officer interprets the application and it shall be final and conclusive unless overturned by a two-thirds majority of the council…”
“So clearly the O & G [Operations and Governance committee, to vote on this rule change later]…”
Scott: “What is your name, please?”
“So clearly the O & G…”
Scott: “What is your name??”
“So clearly the O & G…”
Scott, aspiring to decisiveness: “You may not speak. Sit down.”
“You’re gonna violate your own rule. The rules and procedures—”
“No, I am not. It’s my interpretation…”
“I can speak. I have my three minutes.”
“No. Call to order. You must sit down if you will not state your name. You will sit down.”
“No, I’ve got my three minutes—”
“NO. Call to order. You will sit down, Mister!”
“No, I have—”
Slamming gavel, standing up (before returning almost immediately to his seat): “No. We will go into recess, until Mr. Lance Lashaway decides to leave the podium!” (He did know his name!)
Jumping at the chance to waddle out of the August Public Body were Councilmen Gary Wolfram and G(erg) Stuchell; everyone else (for a few moments, anyway) remained awkwardly in their places.
Lashaway, still at the podium: “Well, this is odd.”
Councilman Bentley: “Uh, if we’re recessed, can we talk?…Mr. Mayor?”
Mr. Mayor, grumpily: “No.”
Councilman Bentley: “I kinda think so…”
Councilman Morrissey muttered into the microphone about the bathroom and took flight.
Bentley, restraining laughter: “Our esteemed representative [Wortz] is here right now, I wish we weren’t doing this [in front of her]…Can the attorney speak?”
Scott, muttering confusedly: “It’s not working…”
For about ten minutes, the meeting was in recess. The councilmen fortunate enough to be near the gregarious Flynn were entertained by our town’s ruddy-faced bard; Bentley and Socha were left chilled in the outer darkness; the Executive Magistracy frowned evermore deeply. Presumably, Stuchell and Wolfram played shuffleboard out in the hallway and discussed their social security payouts. And all this time, Lance Lashaway— a reincarnation of the last Roman sentinel at Pompeii?—kept his post at the podium.
After repeated consultations with Sam Fry, Principal McVicker decided to go over the top once more at his own personal Somme:
“I am going to bring this meeting out of recess, and I’m going to bring the meeting back to…and I’m going to call to order the person at the podium—any person called to order shall immediately be seated unless permitted to process, er, by the presiding officer, or by the council present—so you must sit down.”
Lashaway: “What am I out of order for?”
“Because you are not following my interpretation of the rules.”
“Sir, your interpretation of the rules is directly against the current rules.”
Hoisted by his own petard: “No, no—Yes, it is, that’s my interpretation of the rules—”
“Yes, yes, I’m glad you agreed—your interpretation is against the rules—”
“SIR—NO, NO—you will SIT DOWN you are OUT OF ORDER—”
Lashaway: “I think you’re out of order!”
Bentley: “Mr. Mayor?”
Scott Sessions: “Yes?”
Bentley: “I don’t necessarily know if this is the time for discussion, but I would move that we overrule your ruling so that we [he] can discuss it…”
Mayor Scott: “OK.”
After momentary consideration, Paladino seconded the motion.
Bentley: “This may be futile. There clearly is a lot of animosity between the speaker and yourself…I would say you [Mayor McCheese] have allowed this to derail our whole thing…you know what kind of a character he is, this is consistent with how he operates…when we talked about this two weeks ago, I suggested he be invited to the O & G to be heard…he sent us a thoughtful e-mail about his case, I don’t know if the OMA says no or our rules say so…I think the fix is in, this amendment will pass, and [so] this may be his last visit to City Council, which will make many of you happy, so I think he should get his three minutes to make his case, and then he’ll lose [the amendment will pass]…”
Bentley, Paladino, Bruns voted to let the assailant overthrow Leviathan’s interpretation of the rules and have his say; the Blob (council majority) congealed to protect Principal McVicker; and Bentley’s motion was defeated.
Lashaway continued to try to speak. Mayor McVicker losing his mind, the dread sword was at last drawn from its scabbard:
“Alright, here we go. Any person who commits to being out of order having been called out of order by the presiding officer shall be removed by the sergeant-of-arms upon the request of the presiding officer. I am the presiding officer and I am asking the Sergeant of the Arm—arms—to—and I am requesting them to remove you from the Council Chambers.”
“Good for you.” Police begin moving forward in the background: “Been fun everybody. Thanks.”
Lashaway left the scene, two policemen following him. There were no other public comments.
Though we will miss the humor presented by Mayor Scott Sessions, the time has come to call for his resignation.
Lance Lashaway may come off as purposelessly obtuse about petty rules. However, Mr. Lashaway is just a private citizen. What is truly incredible is how Mayor Scott responded to Lashaway. Losing control of himself, recessing the meeting, and ordering the police (“the Sergeant at Arm—er, Arms”) to take him out was a humiliation for his office and the city as a whole. Nor does it get better for Mayor Scott when one considers that Mr. Lashaway certainly seems to have been correct about the rules in question; Mayor Scott’s childish and politically motivated “interpretation” only won out because of the death grip which the senior citizens of Council have upon that “August Body.” Said seniors will instinctively congeal to defend one of their own Positive friends against criticism by a member of the public (regardless of their “positive” friend’s stalking-surveillance activities of said member of the public.)
Consider e-mailing council to ask for his resignation, or better still, appearing in the Council to ask for it in person; perhaps Council can give him a plaque or a certificate to express their gratitude once he wanders back to his…what does he do, again, besides this?
Communications and Petitions: Jennifer Wortz
Wortz, with some vague Lansing updates: “I think I haven’t been here in maybe a year or so, but just trying to give an update about what’s happening at the state, and to let you know we are back in budget negotiations again and we’re hopeful that we’ll have a budget passed by July 1 this year, so appreciate your prayers and fingers crossed that we can make that happen, really important for schools to have those figures by July 1…just wanted to come with some updates about the road funding that was passed last year, your City Manager [absent today] reached out with some questions about it…”
Her summary of the road funding seems to have been brought on by local ne’er-do-well Jonathan Smeckel’s repeated attempts to persuade the Council that Lansing was going to return us more of our own money for our roads. This would, of course, further limit our city’s “need” for SADs.
Mrs. Wortz’s summary was mostly read from prepared remarks and was difficult to follow. After shining John Locke’s flickering lamplight of reason and experience upon her remarks, however, they seemed to amount to the following:
Hillsdale has already received a 10% increase in funding for roads from the state since last year;
The gas tax distribution scheme has changed and will also benefit Hillsdale’s road funding, starting in October of this year;
The neighborhood road fund—from corporate income tax readjustments and the Marijuana wholesale tax—will add even more to the city’s road budget. However, the marijuana half of the money is held up in court, as red-eyed and chilled out lawyers try to convince the judge to add more snacks to the courtroom. Even if and when the hippies lose the case, however, fewer bottom feeders will be growing weed because of the tax: “As with all things in government, there will be less funds there than we were hoping for.”
Wortz did throw in some almost embarrassed attempts at campaigning, mentioning that she met with other Pooh-Bahs about how to fund economic development in rural communities—especially in “small cities like yours.”3
Bob Flynn, hitting the bong at the Austrian School of Economics: “I just see, like, when you mention the marijuana tax, with the tax going up, fewer and fewer are growing…and you mention taxing limousines and planes and stuff, so it [those businesses] gets smaller and smaller too…so hopefully there’s a funding way that’s more stable.”
Bentley: “I have a couple questions: solar, the battery centers, and the data centers. Are you fully onboard—is there any hope that you and or the state, especially if the Republicans sweep in the fall—can we trust that this green energy nonsense can be…but even if they don’t, is there anything in the interim you can do to fight off these predators?”
Wortz: “These companies are trying to capitalize on the federal tax credits still available but those end this year…people on both sides of the aisle want data centers to come in, but where is the energy production coming from…I don’t think it’s sustainable with just green energy…Palisades, the nuclear reactor on the West side of the state, is coming back…and there will be mini-nuclear reactors and natural gas as well…”
Bentley, dreams of the Jetsons dancing in his head—before being dragged down to earth by the long arms of Abe Dane: “Wow, that would be great if those mini-nuclear reactors are real…I think you presented a bill with our county clerk…can you speak to that?”
Wortz: “[In townships where] the clerks resign, a township can appoint a clerk to run the election [for a new clerk], but the appointed clerk isn’t certified to run the election so [he or she] brings in a certified clerk…so the bill simplifies so that they can just appoint someone to be the acting clerk who is already certified…unfortunately what you see is that no one is stepping forward even to run, so if no one files…then the township would have to have a special election, and all that time they’re without a clerk, so how do you run an election without having someone to run the election…this keeps control local and lets township boards vote on who gets to run the election, versus the county or secretary of state stepping in and running it…”
Socha: “Thank you for being here. I just want to make you aware that our BPU is raising its rates six and a half percent and it’s because of these ‘carbon-neutral’—which is a misnomer—but we can purchase on the open market for thirty to thirty-five dollars a kilowatt hour, oil and natural gas powered energy, but the best we’ve found with these newer alternatives is seventy-nine…”
Socha, asking permission to break the rules from the people who make the rules (or really, asking for them to clarify the punishment ahead of time in the hope that no one else will even try to break the rules after the would-be folk hero hears the dreadful punishment; after all, if someone did something, that action would force his hand to either do something too…or else prove himself a waste of space): “And the other thing I would love to mention, Representative Wortz, is, we don’t even know what the penalties are…there’s been some discussion here, ‘what if we don’t do anything with any of these green energies,’ so it’s up in the air…especially since it’s more than double the cost of the utility…and I think six percent is actually generous, because…it could be worse.”
Wortz gave a nothing burger answer, likely unable even to begin to understand the scheming of oversocialized males in a pseudo-utopian environment.
New Business: Fiscal Year 2026-2027
The city—and especially county—seems to employ an endless succession of women aged anywhere 48-62 who take turns sharing information with the public boards. They always begin timidly, speaking in legalese about the ways in which anyone on council (how fair-minded!) can introduce a budget amendment or ask questions. This particular instantiation of the Great Mother was (most auspiciously) called ‘Karen.’
Paladino: “Could you explain why the City Manager budget went from $149,000 to $202,000?”
Karen, like an antibody passive aggressively reacting against the
most competent member ofhostile invader from the City Council: “I’m not sure if you were here when we talked about this during the draft budget and budget sessions, but Sam is now part of the work that he is doing, in the City Manager’s office.”Bentley, Bull in a Tiny Shop, as they say: “What is Sam’s salary?”
Karen: “I don’t know. Sam, do you know?”
Sam, meaty hand caught in the cookie jar, grasping about 6 double chocolate chip cookies at one time with the remains of another one all over his face: “Uh, yes…$76,000.”
Bentley: “And going forward?”
Smafry: “Normally there is a cost of living increase, but I am [bravely and boldly] foregoing that increase for this promotion [instead] this year…”
Bentley: “Last year, I could find easily on the internet the list of all the city pay packages…and that’s not populated this year. Does anybody know why?”
Smafry, hackles raised: “So I don’t know what website you used but it’s all open, it’s all FOIA-able…it’s all public record, sometimes some websites can lag a bit behind…”
Wolfram, the dismal scientist: “Now is that $76,000 a month?”
Smafry, laughing: “No, but thank you Councilman Wolfram for clarifying…I will note that there was a corresponding decrease in the Economic Development Department budget to help offset some of the increase in the City Manager Budget…”4
Bentley: “I will just remind Councilman Wolfram that Sam Fry is the Assistant to the City Manager, not the City Manager, so…”
Sam Fry, chuckling heartily: “And the Economic Development Coordinator…”
Paladino and Bruns voted against Smafry’s raise/promotion; it passed 7-2.
City Amendment to Rules and Procedures
Sam Fry summarized Scott Sessions’ interpretation of the requirements for the public to speak as a proposed rule change.
Bentley: “I believe you [Mayor McCheese] have mishandled this terribly, this was not necessary, we all know who Mr. Lashaway is…I don’t happen to agree with him that this is an important issue, but since he has been treated so poorly, and yeah, he’s a belligerent, but you escalated it to this point…is this enforceable? Are you going to ID him? What if he comes here and says he is batman?…I will be voting no, I disagree with your and our handling of it…”5
Flynn, experimenting with the drama of the negative in his pro-petard campaign: “Contrary, Mr. Bentley: I don’t think it’s out of order to ask someone to speak their name if they’re going to speak…as Mr. Socha said, if they’re going to call us names and defile our good names, it would be good to know who is doing that6…we don’t need to know exactly where they live, but let the public know who is saying whatever they’re going to say…”
The rule change passed 8-1; Bentley opposed.
Public Comment
Kevin Thomas Paul: “I haven’t been in a Council meeting in quite awhile…but the city seems to have gone in a cycle which has not gone in a good direction. At one time we had an assistant city manager, but we’re not a big enough city for that. We had an economic developer, finance director—that’s Mr. Mackie’s job. How many jobs does it take in this high dollar umbrella to do the work of this man? We don’t have the industry, we don’t have the businesses.”
Joseph Hendee: “Whose gonna be the new VP for construction at Kee[ster] house? Nick Fox got fired. Whens he gonna give another report? Anybody? Mr. Stuchell? You know the Kee[ster] is getting sued, right, for not paying their employees, contractors? Oh, and Mayor Sessions? You’re really an embarrassment to this council.”
Mayor Scott, chipper: “Thank you.”
(Assistant to the) City Manager Report
Smafry reported on some new policemen/policewomen on the force; another model train set he is bringing to town for Christmas or something; the Sandy Beach trail is nearly finished and some nickels were squirreled away in the process. The Kee[ster] house has achieved some minor technical progress, and work on Arch, Oak, and South is moving forward soon (despite no SADs! When will other roads get repaved without paying the blood price?)
Council Comment
Flynn, always on the lookout for busted humps: “I do want to echo Kevin’s thought about…[recognizing city staff who retire]…it wouldn’t hurt for City Council to say, ‘hey, you busted your hump for us for thirty years—hey, we appreciate it!’”
Morrissey: “It’s very easy to do a resolution…you can frame the resolution and keep it in your house forever.”—Exactly what council could give to Mayor Scott!
External Links
Abe Dane: “I really hope that this bill can have bipartisan support. I think we can all agree that there have been a lot of added pressures on our clerks in the past three election cycles, the added stress…”—Abe Dane addresses State government with Jennifer Wortz.
“This church loves you. More importantly, God loves you—always has and always. [sic] We are sorry if you have been told otherwise. You are God’s beloved.”—Trinity Lutheran Church.
“The Council had not yet voted to make the name requirement mandatory.
The Mayor knew his prior interpretation was wrong."—Hillsdale Conservative Network.
A sort of predictive slip, presaging his own resignation?
If the Wi-Fi network “P SWAN FACTS MOBILE HOTSPOT” appears near your home, do not click it.
Stockford, O Stockford—save us from the Wortz!
Smafry will doubtless be receiving some kind of raise or added compensation in FY 2027—mark this as one of John Locke’s boldest predictions. How much more is Smafry’s salary above the average citizen of Hillsdale’s? Can the city run some statistical analysis on that question?
Looks like at least one person is reading these treatises after all.
John Locke will remain in exile in Amsterdam until conditions improve.
And yet everyone in the council chamber knew his name.
So, who was acting the fool, the scepter-wielding accusatory-mayor who knew his name, and even spake it!, or the one who was following the rules?
It's about power, and the one currently in power has no business being in that position.
What a circus!